


Fujisawa's Wild Kingdom

by KB9VCN



Category: El Hazard: The Wanderers
Genre: Gen, Humor, One Shot, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-30
Updated: 2002-06-30
Packaged: 2018-09-06 16:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8760070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Written June 2002; humor/parody; about 1300 words.
In honor of the DVD release of "Weird Al" Yankovic's movie UHF.
This contains cruel slapstick violence and mild adult humor.  Reader discretion is advised.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written June 2002; humor/parody; about 1300 words.
> 
> In honor of the DVD release of "Weird Al" Yankovic's movie _UHF_.
> 
> This contains cruel slapstick violence and mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Londs entered his private rooms in the palace, after a long hard day of... exactly whatever it is that Londs does.

He fell back into a comfy chair with a sigh. He looked up and saw the television he had let Makoto put in for him recently. When the boy genius had introduced this strange Earth technology to El-Hazard, most of his friends had wanted their own shows, and Londs was nearly the only one content just to watch it.

_Might as well see what's on,_ Londs thought, and he turned it on.

As the television warmed up, Dr. Schtalubaugh appeared on the screen, behind a laboratory counter crowded with books, test tubes and equipment. He had just concluded his presentation. "You have been watching..."

The camera zoomed in on Schtalubaugh's rather beady little eyes, and an impressive echo was added to his voice as he spoke the next few words:

"SECRETS! (secrets secrets...) OF! (of of...) THE UNIVERSE! (universe universe...)"

The camera zoomed back out as Schtalubaugh ended the program. "Be sure to tune in to tomorrow's show, when we're going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items."

The shot of Schtalubaugh's laboratory was replaced by a piece of paper taped to a wall, with a logo crudely drawn on it. Makoto announced the evening's schedule with an off-camera voice-over.

"Tonight's feature presentation is... 'Afura The Librarian!'"

A brief preview clip of the movie was shown. An angry Afura held a terrified TV-Rune Venus up by her collar, and growled at her menacingly. "DON'T YOU KNOW THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM!?"

The logo re-appeared, and Makoto continued his announcements. "And, for your... late-night viewing pleasure!?... 'Alielle Relryle's Clubhouse'!?"

Makoto's voice dropped back as he apparently spoke to someone else. "Hey! The Clubhouse was supposed to be a CHILDREN'S show! Why is she doing— THAT? She's not OVA-Alielle!..."

A muffled argument followed this outburst. Then Makoto sighed into the microphone, and then he finished his announcements. "But, coming up next... You'll be both educated and entertained by everyone's favorite _sensei_..."

A grinning Fujisawa appeared on the screen. "Welcome to— 'Fujisawa's Wild Kingdom!' Coming to you live, from my royal palace apartment! How 'bout that, eh?"

The camera followed him as he walked into his kitchen. "OK, the first thing we're gonna do today is check out the wonderful world of demon gods..."

TV-Ifurita came into the camera's view. She was sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying tea and cookies. She politely stood up, and Fujisawa smiled and put his arm around her shoulders. "This is my friend Ifurita. Say hello to the nice people, Ifurita."

She smiled sweetly. "Hello to the nice people, Ifurita!"

"Aw, isn't she great?" Fujisawa said. "OK, so... a demon god is a bio-mechanical construct, right? And it's got this hard metallic skeletal structure..."

He gently rapped his knuckles on Ifurita's forehead, producing an oddly hollow clanging sound. She giggled.

"...which makes it unusually heavy," he continued, "but provides it with great strength and endurance for when it fights. And it's got this power-key-staff, so that it can be recharged...

Then Fujisawa leaned towards the camera. "And not many people know this, but a demon god makes a great refrigerator magnet! Watch this..."

He held up a giant horseshoe magnet, and quickly slid it up and down Ifurita's body a few times. She giggled again. "Hey! That tickles!"

Then he picked her up, and tossed her across the kitchen. She hit the refrigerator with a loud ka-CLICK!, and stuck there, spread-eagled against its doors.

Fujisawa clapped his hands with glee. "See that? It sticks! OK, what else have we got? Oh yeah, check this out..."

As Fujisawa left his kitchen, Ifurita's plaintive voice could be heard from off-camera. "Mr. Fujisawa-sensei, sir? Could you please help me down? I can't move..."

Ignoring her plea, Fujisawa walked to the common room of his apartment, gesturing to a giant glass terrarium. "This is my Bugrom farm!"

The camera panned to the terrarium. Groucho, Chico, and Harpo were scrambling around each other as they sculpted a statue of Jinnai out of the sand that partly filled the terrarium. Jinnai stood beside them, apparently yelling at them, but silenced by the glass of the terrarium.

Fujisawa came back into the camera's view. "Now... Bugrom are amazing. They can carry fifty times their own weight, and they work for weeks and weeks, building these intricate statues of their leader... and..."

Then he grinned again. "He hates it when you do this!"

Fujisawa grabbed a corner of the terrarium, and, using his super strength, he gave it a good shake.

When the dust inside the terrarium settled, the statue was gone, and the Bugrom were laying in a confused heap. Jinnai was pounding his fists against the terrarium glass, screaming words that (thankfully) could not be heard through the glass.

Fujisawa grinned wider. "Oh look! He's really mad now!"

—

Makoto and Nanami sat in the broadcast control room, mouths agape, staring at the monitors in sheer disbelief.

"Why did you let him have his own show?" Makoto asked.

Nanami gasped, and turned to look at him. "ME!? I thought YOU hired him!!"

They stared at each other, panicking, and then they turned back to the monitors in unison, dreading what might come next...

—

Fujisawa was standing by an open window of his apartment. He was facing off-camera. "C'mon, Miz. Don't be nervous..."

Miz slowly edged into view. Obviously camera-shy, she was pale, stiff, and smiling a painfully fake smile.

Fujisawa turned back to the camera. "For those of you just joining us... today, we're teaching priestesses how to fly! After all, if Afura can do it..."

Suddenly forgetting her phobia, Miz turned to him in horror. "We're WHAT!?"

Fujisawa grabbed her by her collar and waist, and pulled her towards the window. "Ah, Foofie. Are you psyched? Are you ready? OK! Here we go..."

"Darling! Please!" Miz pleaded. "I'll stop nagging you about your drinking!"

"Get ready..."

"OK! You don't have to buy that expensive engagement ring! The other one is just fine!"

"And..."

"AAUGH! I'm perfectly willing to discuss pre-marital sex!"

"FLY!!" Fujisawa shouted, as he threw Miz out the window.

Londs' rooms happened to be directly below Fujisawa's apartment. He looked away from his television, to his own open window, with one eyebrow raised, as Miz plummeted past it.

"—eeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeee—"

Londs stood to look out the window, in time to see Miz's fall broken by the trees and bushes of the royal gardens. However, unfortunately for Miz, the gardens were terraced here, and she continued to bounce down over the walls of each terrace level. "Ow! Oof! Ouch! Ngh! Ow!..."

She finally came to rest, well away from the palace building, flat on her back.

Then Londs leaned out his window and looked up, in time to see Fujisawa looking back down at where Miz had landed.

Fujisawa sighed. "Aw, MAN..."

Londs also sighed, and turned back to his television.

Fujisawa was facing the camera again, with an apologetic smile. "You know, sometimes it takes 'em a little longer to learn how to do it right. OK, who's next? Ah, Shayla..."

He dragged Shayla on-camera. She was grinning and holding an empty wine bottle. "Hey, I'm *hic* flyin' already. Whee..."

And Fujisawa threw Shayla out the window.

Londs turned and watched Shayla, as she also fell past his window. And he overheard her as she also bounced down the terrace, drunkenly laughing and cheering along the way.

And he heard Miz cry out as Shayla landed on top of her, just as Miz had started to pick herself up from the ground.

On the television, Fujisawa looked out his own window again, and sighed again. "Aw, MAN..."

Londs turned the television off. _People ought to read more books,_ he thought.


End file.
